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Marilee J. Layman

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10:25 pm: Not Two of My Better Days

I mentioned a lot of pain on Tuesday and it's still there. I'm also constantly sleepy, but I think that's because I'm not eating. I just had a pizza delivered because that's not hard to put on a plate and eat. I hope that helps.

I didn't get to sleep at 11pm on Tuesday night -- I was in so much pain that I stayed awake until I took the trash & recycling out and went to get labs and then got home yesterday. I went through the mail and went to sleep at 11am, just taking care of the cats first. I woke up early today at 2am and stayed awake until 9am. I went to check yesterday's mail, since my check might have come, but it hadn't. I'd already noticed I wasn't eating, so I went by McDonalds for my regular breakfast there. When I got home, I opened the box of books and then the envelope of meds. Well, big surprise. The eye drops have raised their price, so even though Kaiser paid for part of it, I was paying $150 more than usual (which is going to be a problem until the end of the year). I didn't have that much money in my checking account (close to getting my check), so I called lizzibabe at the credit union and asked if I could give her the credit card number to put in my account. Unfortunately, they don't allow that, so I rushed over -- it was almost 90F -- and lizzibabe got a chair for me so I could sit while I waited for the card to be processed and then walked me out to my van. I think she noticed I wasn't doing very well, and I really appreciate her help.

I got home, sat in the recliner briefly, and then went to bed at noon. I woke up at 5pm (I hope that will get me to sleep at a more normal time, even though I'll have to do the same time-shifting next week) and gradually got today's paper's front pages read and put under the pile. I read the A section of Sunday's (now five papers over there) and them came over here, thinking I would only post, but I'm in order so far and plan to try reading LJ.

My friend Doris Lew, who you probably see commenting sometimes, pointed at an article about middle-aged women killing themselves more than before, and why. I fit a lot of those reasons, but haven't tried to kill myself since 1987. I've gotten mostly used to how my life has changed with being sick and haven't thought about suicide for me for a couple decades now. I think I'll have to watch some of my friends, though.

The WashPost's religious page had an article by a :::gasp::: atheist. The comments are closed, but the majority are from people who feel their belief must be thrust on everyone. It isn't as if I wonder around talking about atheism. I thought I'd mention something similar that happened to me so I looked for the Beltway Atheists group and it turns out the original article is there and uncut.

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Comments

From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 29th, 2011 05:40 am (UTC)
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I went and reacd the article and it annoys me no end. First of all, they don't substatiate the claim that more middle aged women are killing themselves than before: there's no comparative statistics given. I suspect it's not very true (as in, that the numbers are not clearly significant).

And then, by way of example, they run by us the astory of a schizophrenic woman: but the trend there is, as far as I know, for schizophrenics to live longer than they did in the past (but that trend is from several years ago, and it may have changed). So using her as an illustration isn't very enlightening.

And then: their explanation is that we're all a bunch of drug-crazed, crazy old bats who have just come to the conclusion that we are unlovable and will never be happy. And they blame it on the sixties.

The tone is smarmy false concern like so much of what I see coming out of newspapers.

Anyway. My own speculation is that if there is a clearly significant rise in middle-aged women killing themselves, the reasons are economic, not individual. Women who have been supporting sometimes three generations find themselves unemployable in any dignified, decently-paid, bearable work in the current economy, with the disabilities of age creeping up on them and no affordable health care, and the news is all about how they're going to have to "share in the sacrifice" (translation: be sacrificed so that rich people can have that last dime from Social Security or Medicare). Many will have lost their homes as well as theuir jobs due to the fraudulent lending practices of the banks: many who had a retirement plan lost it in any one of the great scams of the last two decades, and now there's no chance to earn it back.

I can understand desperation and wanting to get out of the way so as not to be a burden on the kids in those circumstances, though I don't share in the sentiment at all (like you, the only time I ever had any feeling like that was when I was young, but even younger, it looks like).

~~~Lucy (ritaxis: I can't log in, apparently)
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From:mjlayman
Date:July 30th, 2011 03:56 pm (UTC)
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Well, that's MSNBC, so their articles tend to be shorter. I tried to kill myself because I woke up from a six-week coma while I was already in the hospital for my first renal failure, and the doctors told me I would die from both. It wasn't so much that I believed them as that I had realized that I would never get back the life I had up to three months before.

I think you'll just have to keep trying to log in -- a lot of things are difficult because some Russians are running a DDOS.
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From:soon_lee
Date:July 29th, 2011 06:42 am (UTC)
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Sorry that you are still experiencing pain.

Me, I'm an agnostic but brought up religious; guess old habits are hard to break. It baffles me that for a country with separation of church & state, US society seems so dominated by religion (from the view of someone who has never visited and who lives on the other side of the world).
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From:mjlayman
Date:July 30th, 2011 04:08 pm (UTC)
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Well, I would say that the US legally has church & state separated, but many people not only tend to believe they should be together, but think they should try to convince people about their beliefs. The odd part is that many people are upset that Egypt has a lot of very strict Muslims who want to make the new constitution very religious-based, but those people are themselves in that situation and like it.
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